Phil Tifesys
He opened his eyes. But couldn’t focus. Colored blurs. Sharp pain behind his eyes, closed his eyes. Then pressure on his neck. The pain lessened, but didn’t go away. He must take stock of self. Try to move hands. Held down, can move his fingers.
Voices.
“This one came awake.”
“Hit ‘im with the gas again.”
The scent of mint, then black.
***
He opened his eyes and found himself face to face with a gnome. The gnome had a tall red pointy hat. He had happy eyes and a pug nose above a white bushy beard that hung down to his belt. His shirt was a navy blue so faded it was almost gray and his pants were a red that had long ago turned dirty brown. The pants seemed puffy with large deep pockets. a ratty leather vest completed the look. It was when he lifted his hand to rub his face that he really got freaked out. He freaked out, first because his face was covered with hair and then because the gnome made the same movement, bringing his hand up to rub his bearded face.
What followed would have been hilarious to anyone watching. He made frantic arm gestures and stuck out his tongue. The gnome mirrored his movements exactly. He then tried to stand on one leg, but found that his balance was not what it used to be. With a growing sense of panic he tried to do all this at once, in the fading hope that he would be able to confuse the demonic gnome copying his every move. All the effort was for naught, as all that was accomplished was falling to the floor in an ungainly pile. From the pile he looked to the gnome, now also sprawled on the floor. There was no other choice now, he must come to terms with the fact that he was the gnome, and he had been looking at a mirror.
He stood back up watching the reflection copy him exactly. It was then that he heard the laughter. He spun around to find a goblin sitting in a puffy red leather recliner. It was green and ugly, his chin and nose were long and crooked. Scabs were scattered over his face and head almost like hair. Most of the scabs were closed but a few wept a thick yellow liquid. The goblin's body was featureless, but his arms and legs were stick thin. As thin as they were, the feet and joints were thick, knobby and covered in dry calluses. The goblin tried to speak but broke off in another fit of laughter. The gnome tried to speak, but found that he didn’t know how, couldn’t remember how.
“Oh man, that was great.” The goblin was finally able to get words out. “Do that move again, the one where you stand on one leg and windmill your arms around your head. Nah, never mind, if you tried to do it, it wouldn’t be the same. Stop glaring at me like that; if you sat in this room all day watching you gnomes popping out of mirrors you would get bored too. I don’t often get a chance to enjoy this job. Its so monotonous.”
This seemed to remind him of what he had just witnessed and he was off laughing again. All the gnome could do was glare. He looked around the room while waiting for his tormentor to finish with his mirth. The room was mostly empty; there was the mirror, which was in the center of the room, the chair the goblin was now falling out of, and a desk. The floor was wooden and polished smooth by use. At one point there had been a pattern on the wallpaper but that had long ago faded into obscurity. There was one door behind the goblin’s chair and it was shut. That was it, no windows and no wall art.
“Ok, let’s get this moving, I have a quota yah know. Here fill out this form, you should find it simple enough.” The goblin passed over a piece of paper on a clipboard. “Har, told you it was simple. Just fill your last name in on that line. Great, see you’re funny and you follow directions. Let’s see we put it in here…”
He fed the paper into a slot on the top of the desk shortly a second piece of paper slid from the slot.“Here it is, your new name. TifTwo. Not bad, I like it, what do you think? Har, can’t talk, right? Don’t worry you don’t need to. Just follow orders and you’ll be fine. Now there is one last item on the agenda before I send you on. It’s time for you to pick a weapon, you’ll need it out there.” He gestured with his thumb behind him towards the door. “Not that any of them will do you much good they’re all wood. Ready for your choices, they are all in this desk. A desk drawer full of useless wooden weapons.”
TifTwo found that he needed to stand on tiptoes to see the weapons. There were many in the drawer; mostly short swords and a few axes but also a few bows, the occasional spear or staff. Like the goblin had said all were wooden, which made them all relatively useless if it came to actually fighting. TifTwo dug through the pile rejecting the swords and the axes as they relied on blades. At first he was resigned to taking a spear and using it like a staff. Then at the very bottom he found a large mallet. That might work; it was a blunt weapon so the fact that it was wooden was of lesser consequence. Durability might prove to be an issue, but he would have to worry about that later.
The next challenge proved to be getting it out of the drawer. TifTwo’s arms were short and limited the leverage that he could get on the mallet. With the weight and tangle of the other weapons on top, the mallet was stuck. He pulled and pulled but was barely able to get it to move at all. He tried wiggling it free, that seemed to work better but really got him no closer to extricating it. Finally he grabbed on the handle, put both feet on to the side of the desk and pulled. The mallet sprang free throwing wooden weapons in all directions. It also sent TifTwo sprawling on the floor.
“Har Har,” the goblin bellowed, “you’re a real cut up, ever been told that before? Man I wish that everybody that came through here was as entertaining as you. Ok I’m done with you now. Go through the door; others will direct you to orientation. I know you think that I’m a bully, but really I’m the best friend you’re going to have here. Keep making people laugh and you should be alright, well, as can be under the circumstances.”
That sounded ominous.
“Now get,” the goblin continued. “Take your mallet and go through the door. Hurry you dung ball, I got a quota to meet!”
TifTwo hoisted the mallet on to his shoulder and with the other hand he pulled the door open. The hall was filled with the patter of many, many gnomes walking. A flood of gnomes rushed past the doorway. It was unending, there must be thousands of them, they all looked identical to the image he had seen in the mirror.
“Get Out! Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. If you don’t get out now, I will hit you.” CRack! TifTwo felt the sting of a lash across his back. The pain flared, it was lucky he was wearing the leather vest, or he would be bleeding. TifTwo jumped in to the traffic, and lost himself in the sameness of the crowd. Above and beside all the running gnomes were goblins armed with whips. Many of them were the same green as the one in the room, but a few were a lighter, grayish green. These were a little bigger and had spiked belts from which hung thick clubs. As the goblins ran they would flick their whips, herding the gnomes. With so many targets they never missed, and did really needed to aim. In some ways the vast numbers were a comfort and he let his body be moved forward in very small shuffling steps. His mind started to drift and he tried to remember something. Something very important.
Then the smell of mint.
The crowd of gnomes poured into a large courtyard filled with small bushes. Stone walls towered all around them like a castle, or a prison. The goblins herded the gnomes into a large bunch in the center of the yard, with whips and curse. TifTwo found himself somewhere near the back, far enough from the outside to avoid the whips. He tried to maintain his protected place but this proved to be difficult with the gnomes on the outside pushing to get away from the whips. Then a brown goblin, a little bigger than all the rest, stepped onto a platform at the front of the courtyard.
“Yurm…singnal…nothenls.” The goblin was too far away for TifTwo to hear him at all. He started to settle in for some serious zoning out. Suddenly all the other goblins roared in unison.
“YOU ARE HERE FOR A SINGLE PURPOSE NOTHING ELSE.”
“Ess...prusess…”
“THESE TREES ARE YOUR PURPOSE.”
“Amin...berrys”
“EXAMINE THE TREES, SEE THE BERRIES.”
The goblins were making sure that every gnome got the message. The brown one would speak and the others would repeat what he said. TifTwo looked at the tree, though to be fair it was really an oversized bush. Many branches sprouted from a single stalk. Long thick leaves hung at regular intervals. Big purple flowers bloomed from the top of the stalk/ Berries hung below the flowers in the foliage. This far away he couldn’t make out much more detail
“Niv…unid…burrys.”
“TO LIVE ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS PICK THE BERRIES.”
“Unil…burrys…it.”
“YOU WILL PUT THE BERRIES IN YOUR POCKETS.”
At this point TifTwo started to tune out the brown goblin. He let the roar of the other goblins roll over him. So far it was pretty clear the berries were important and he was to pick them.
“CAREFULLY HANDLE THE BERRIES. THEIR SKIN IS DELICATE AND THE JUICE BURNS. ONE PLANT WILL FILL YOUR POCKETS. ONCE YOUR POCKETS ARE FULL YOU WILL COME BACK TO THE CASTLE. IF YOU COME BACK TO THE CASTLE YOU WILL BE KILLED.
“IN THE WORLD PEOPLE WILL ATTACK YOU. EVERYONE WILL ATTACK YOU. YOU CAN TRY TO FIGHT BACK. WHEN YOU LOSE THE PERSON THAT BEAT YOU WILL GET A SURPRISE. WIN OR LOSS IT DOES NOT MATTER. ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU PICK BERRIES, FILL UP YOUR POCKETS, BRING THEM BACK TO THE CASTLE. THAT IS ALL. FIND THE BERRIES, PICK THE BERRIES, BRING THEM TO THE CASTLE. IF YOU FAIL AT YOUR TASK, OR TRY TO RUN AWAY, YOU WILL DIE. IT’S THAT SIMPLE GET THE BERRIES TO THE CASTLE OR YOU DIE.
NOW GET TO IT.”
The gnomes in front of TifTwo were moving, the gnomes behind began to push. TifTwo had no choice but to move as well. Carried by the crowd he was soon pushed to the front of the courtyard. A massive arched tunnel loomed before him. The rush carried him forward, from the sun drenched courtyard, into the shadow of the tunnel. The tunnel was dark, for a moment he could see nothing. There was just the patter of many, many bare feet.
Suddenly he was out in the open, the gnomes all running in a large pack. They ran through a flat grass field, edged with trees. The goblins behind began to use their whips again. One caught TifTwo on the back of his legs. The sting of the whip was a shock. The goblins were worked together splitting the herd into smaller and smaller groups. By the time that TifTwo reached the trees he was by himself. He ran into the shade. The trees were tall with dense foliage; spots of sunlight dappled the forest floor. Due to the high canopy very few plants grew to impede his path. He slowed from a sprint to a trot and when there were no whips nearby he slowed to a walk.
He reached fallen tree. Its long trunk stretched out on a massive pile of leaves and broken branches. The fallen tree had left a hole in the canopy and sunlight had reached the floor. Where the sunlight touched plants had grown. The ground was mostly covered with grasses, but three or four saplings were competing for height. TifTwo walked around the fallen tree making sure there were no threats. Seeing nothing, sensing nothing he found an area that had lots of sun and the trunk rested on the ground, and sat down. With his back to the trunk and a wide line of sight he felt comfortable enough to relax and take stock of his situation.
TifTwo knew what he was supposed to do, find and pick the berries, and then give them to the castle. He wondered what kind of berries he was looking for. More importantly why did they want them so much? Much more important than that, could they really kill him? This brought him to something else. Something that he couldn’t seem to put his finger on, like having an itch that you can’t quite reach. Something about his body and who he was. It bothered him that he had no memories of anything before the incident with the mirror.
Then the scent of mint.
Off he went, back into the shadow of the forest. Soon he came upon a steep gully formed by a stream that bubbled merrily maybe seven or eight feet down. That was when he saw he first berry tree. Getting to it was going to be a little tough as it was on the other side of the gully. TifTwo figured he was just going to go for it and stepped down into the gully and immediately fell and rolled down into the stream. Angry with himself, and wet, he started to climb up the other side. Almost halfway up his foot slipped and he went tumbling back into the stream. He tried twice more, with the same result. After falling back the third time he slammed the mallet into the stream bank in frustration.
The head hit the bank with a wet smack, and stuck about an inch deep. TifTwo tried to pull it out, but the mallet was stuck fast in the bank. He went for a tried and true method and bracing his feet on the bank for torque he managed to work the head free with a pop. TifTwo ended up back in the stream. When he had regained his feet he saw that there was a round imprint left in the bank. He reached up to the hole and found that it actually held its shape. He put both hands on the edge and relaxed his knees. It held firm under his weight. TifTwo hammered on the bank a few more times, and using the divots he created like a ladder he was able to reach the top of the bank.
He lay on the top of the bank, panting. After a short break, he got to his feet and appraised the berry tree. As he had noted in the courtyard, it was really no more than a bush. Big purple flowers sprouted from the top. some of the flowers were done and their wilted petals were falling off to reveal their fruit. The rip fruit’s weight bent its stem so they hung below the flowers. This was a blessing as it meant that he could reach all the berries. There were six of them, about the size and color of a plum.
TifTwo remembered that the goblin had warned that the berries were delicate, and that they burned. So very carefully he reached for the closest berry with both hands, and oh so gently pulled from its stem. The branch freed from the weight sprang up, TifTwo leap back in fear.careful not to squeeze the berry. When nothing further happened he carefully placed it in his left pocket then picked the remaining fruit from the tree. With the six berries picked he found that his pockets were full, they were perfectly sized to fit three each. He moved slowly towards the gully, afraid that walking would crush the berries. When he reached the edge the berries had settled, Confident that they were safe he sat at the edge then slide into the stream and made his way back to the castle.
